I could climb into bed, pull my lovely duvet over my head and fall into a deep sleep; not to be disturbed for at least 7 hours.
When morning light (artificial or otherwise) arrived, I jumped out of bed, donned my workout attire and raced to the gym. I was refreshed, ready to face the day. One of those people that other people hate in the morning.
A morning person.
This, my friends, was a mere matter of months ago.
At this very moment, I grasp for any semblance of sleep – at night, that is. I could fall asleep at my desk while talking to a customer (no, boss, I haven’t… but I could) eating dinner is always interesting, and heaven forbid I sit down with Hubby to watch a ballgame.
2 innings in and I’m drooling on his shoulder.
“Hon, maybe you should go up to bed?”
I nod my agreement… too tired to open my mouth and verbalize it.
Up the stairs I plod. Brush my teeth, change into my pyjamas, and crawl under the most welcoming bed I have ever owned. Soft enough to cuddle me, but firm enough to keep my back from aching. Warm enough to make me feel comforted, but not so much that I wake up sweating in the night. It’s the perfect bed. I cozy down into it, lock the blankets around my neck…
…and stare at the ceiling. Then the clock. Then the ceiling again.
My brain feels like it kicks into overdrive at night. Especially late at night. Anytime between 2 and 4am is my best time to think.
The problem is that there are so many thoughts in my head that I can’t seem to single out just one to focus on.
Have you ever seen a wind tunnel that forms in your yard in the fall? The leaves start to spin slowly, then faster and faster until they begin to form a small funnel raising up, promising to fly away, but then just as quickly as it formed, it collapses on itself and all the leaves drop languidly to the earth again, waiting for the next gust of wind to pick them up and try to move them.
The leaves are my thoughts…. the wind is my brain.
I have the promise to move the thoughts around, re-arrange them. But as soon as I get things in motion, other thoughts creep in and I lost touch with what I was originally thinking about. I’ve almost had panic attacks in the middle of the night, for no reason. All because I’ve lost the ability to control the amount of stress in my life.
Ok, so maybe you can’t control the amount of stress in your life, but you can control how much you let it affect you.
I know what stress is. I’ve been a single mom with 2 kids living on a minimal budget. When I left and started my life over on my own, I took nothing. No furniture, no electronics. Nothing. Working overtime to make sure my children have a Christmas, hoping beyond hope that the subsidy for childcare is approved, taking courses in my spare (HA) time to try and advance in my career…. I could handle all of that then… now? I have difficulty multi-tasking two or three things, let along the myriad of issues I have on my plate right now.
But I’m working on it. Hopefully sleep will find me soon.