Secret Mommyhood Confession Saturday ~ #1 @ midnight

I absolutely cringe when I hear the kids heading to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

I cringe because I know it’s going to result in me having to clean the bathroom the next morning.

Why you ask??

You obviously don’t have boys.

OR

You obviously don’t have boys that refuse to sit down in the middle of the night to pee.

This is where little girl parents are lucky.  They sit down anyways. They don’t stand there, half asleep, oblivious to the fact that the toilet seat lid is down** and they are splashing all over the place.

**I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d be complaining about the toilet seat being DOWN!!!

And I hate – almost above all else – cleaning up little boy pee first thing in the morning when I should be enjoying my fat free French Vanilla coffee… or at 2 o’clock in the morning as was the case the other day…

I mean, really – is it too much to ask to at least lift the lid???

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just let it out

I have a few things to bitch about frustrations today. And since this is my blog and I can say whatever I want, here goes…

1.  I think my damn scale is broken.

It HAS to be. I’ve run for at least 30 minutes every single day for the last 7 days, followed a strict diet, and drank water until I felt my eyeballs were floating.

I’ve lost 1 pound.

Seriously??? 1??  I’ve tried morning weigh-in, evening weigh-in, clothes on, clothes off…. moved the scale alllll around the bathroom. Yyyep – 1 frackin pound.  I haven’t even sneaked a treat… and I am starting to lose motivation.

Something better happen soon, because I find myself bitching at the energetic Chalene Johnson – out loud & emphatically – while doing my Turbofire routine.  Hubby’s getting worried.

2. CoffeeMate fat free French Vanilla  is absolutely NOT the same as International Delights fat free French Vanilla. And I hate hate HATE that my grocery store has changed what they carry.

Is it enough to make me drive further for a different grocery store that carries it?

Yes.

This is very important, people.

My fat free FV in my coffee is my only treat during the day. It’s my post-workout little party in my mouth.  And it makes me feel like I’m cheating on my diet, which quells the urge to do so later in the day with ohhhh, I don’t know… a box of chocolate chip cookies and a quick trip through DQ.

Plus, without my coffee in the morning, I turn into Medusa.

3.  The frackin rain is killing me.  It’s rained for centuries, it feels like.  I realize that judgement day is Saturday, but couldn’t we have a bit of nice weather before that??? SO in answer to my prayers for just a hint of sun,  it’s like the Almighty is messing with me, because it’s pouring rain as I leave the house and drive to work, then the heavens clear and the sun shines down – as I look, fuming, out my office window.  I’m sure it will be a torrential downpour when it comes time to go for lunch.

4. I have the most confusing child in the world.  Instead of naming my youngest Monster, I should have named him Non Sequitur. Our drive to school this morning consisted of no more than 2 lines dedicated to each subject.

“Mom, my ears (hearing aids) won’t get wet with my new hat on”

“Nope they won’t buddy”

“Do you see that crane??”

“Yep, they’re building an apartment building”

“I bet I’m gonna have pizza for lunch today”

“uhhh. ok?”

This is an actual transcript of just a part of our drive today… WTF?

5.  last but not least… I’m new to this… I need some support… and I’m really hoping that someone will take me under their proverbial wing and help me along. I’m not sure how to find that sort of mentorship… any ideas would be lovely.

Writing, along with Hubby and the kiddos, helps me fight the shadows that sometimes pop up.

I’m glad I have a place to let it out.  Bear with me.

CCS and you ~ be prepared…

**This is a public service announcement advising all mothers of the latest infection of  CCS – crazy child syndrome – spreading like wildfire.

For those of you who have never heard of CCS, here’s the low-down:

Description:  9 out of 10 mothers agree that this disease runs rampant in homes where children are exposed to each other or a singular parent for more than 3 hours due to limited access to the outdoors – normally in the event of extreme weather conditions.

Symptoms:  may include: excessive laughter at flatulence, contortion of the face for no particular reason, sporadic bursts of BELCH, followed by more excessive laughter, as well as countless other symptoms.

Seriously though….

My 6 year old has suddenly morphed into a repulsive-sound machine.   I had no idea (maybe because I’m over the age limit) that flatulence was so very hilarious.  Not only when you actually pass gas, but also when you step, sit, or jump in their case, on a whoopie cushion, or press your mouth into the crook of your elbow and blow. This in turn has caused his little brother Monster to think this is hilarious, even when he doesn’t actually think so.  And I called him on it the other day.

“Do you think that’s funny Monster? (after a major giggle-fest over said noises)

“No”

“Then why are you laughing so hard”

“I dunno. Cuz they are.”

They being his brother and step-brother Speedy…. the culprits. They’re only 7 months apart and feed off of each other’s energy constantly. It’s exhausting on a good day, let alone when we’re stuck inside and trying to keep people entertained…

Peanut has even discovered a way to shrug his shoulder when he has his shirt off that produces “neck farts”.   I was treated to a little performance Sunday night at shower time.

“Hey mom, I don’t have to sing in the shower anymore… I can just do this – ploof, shmoot, ploooot. heeeheeeheee”

Lovely.

I understand that they’re just kids but do they really need to infect Monster, who is 4, with the same nasty little habits??  Yes of course they do. This is surely a sign of things to come, isn’t it.  All you mothers with older children will chuckle and say “ohhhh she hasn’t seen anything yet – wait till they talk Monster into doing yadda yadda.”

Please no. Monster is my baby and I love him, but he has no fear and will do anything those older boys tell him to do.

As for now, Monster hasn’t caught on to attempting the ‘neck fart’.  But I’m sure that will come soon enough.

Can’t wait.

Sunday Smilemaker

yep - this one made me smile

Monster

He’s so damn cute.  He’s full of pith & vinegar, but he’s soooo damn cute.
He negotiates with me. He talks over me. Mom? Why? Why? How come Mom? Why??? whywhywhywhywhy momomomomom????  AARRGGGHHH He argues with me about everything. He’s got a fiery temper, zero patience, is stubborn – pig-headed really – and adamant.  (yes, mom, I realize he got those traits from ME)

He is me.

But he’s damn cute. And when he curls up on my knee and whispers “luv ya mum” and gives me that little fish-lip kiss, all the “me-isms” go away and he’s my snuggly little baby.

momma wuvs you monster  xoxo