highschool bullies and their lifelong effects…

Last week, Mama Kat challenged us to describe a time in our life in only 6 words.

This week, we’ve been asked to expand on those 6 words.

Sadly, the 6 words I chose, I’ve said a few times. I don’t care to expand on the who, what or when’s of it, but I will tell you a bit about why I’m so damn proud of it.

Chubby? You’re ugly. I can diet.

When I went to highschool, I was skinny.  I distinctly remember in grade 9 one of the senior football players made a joke at my expense as I walked by, yapping to his friends that “I’ve got bigger tits than her!”

Like I give a shit you meatheaded half-wit.

Highschool wasn’t the fantastic place I thought it would be. I got picked on a lot and I just wanted it to be over with as quickly as possible. I wasn’t the type of person to stand up for myself, so it was open season on me when it came to insults and derogatory comments.  My hair was frizzy, my teeth were crooked and I wasn’t dressed in designer clothes because my parents preferred groceries to style.  Add to that the fact that I was a straight A student and it’s a perfect recipe for bully bait.

I played sports and tried to stay active, but my major outdoor activity was riding my horse, Chief.  He was my refuge at the end of the day. One of the only “people” I felt comfortable talking to about my problems.

Somewhere around grade 11, my metabolism came to a screeching halt. I had immersed myself in my grades and theatre, and, having shoved sports to the wayside, my weight started to creep up, but I paid it no mind. Size is just a number after all – right?

Fastforward a few years – I’ve had 2 children and weigh 205 lbs.  It wasn’t the number that hurt me. It was the way I felt. It was the fact that I never wanted to be in a picture – even with my children – because I hated the way I looked.

Hated my life.

Hated myself.

Depression, feelings of loneliness and the desire for another life all started to creep in.  I felt totally alone.  Distanced from my children. From my family.

I thought about everyone that had ever called me fat.  Chubby.  Solid.

I channelled my anger.

I made some changes. I joined some support groups.  I learned better eating habits.

I learned not to eat my feelings.

I indulged in a gym membership.  I started going to martial arts.

I had some excellent support from my best friends.

I don’t remember how or when I let the anger of all of it go, but I remember when I realized it was gone. I was watching my boys play on the deck of our apartment. I was laughing at them as they raced their remote control cars when suddenly Peanut, my gentle little boy, climbed up in my lap, wrapped his long arms around my neck and hugged me. And with his little boy breath warm on my ear, whispered “I love my happy mommy”.

I love your happy mommy too.

***************

p.s. – the ugly people? still ugly.

Maybe this doesn’t really follow the prompt quite like it should… but it’s my conscious stream of thought for the day.

And I feel better for having told it.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Advertisements

summer don’ts . please.

Enter summer.  I love this season. It’s the season of my birthday, my sons’ birthdays (and who doesn’t love a birthday party that isn’t in the middle of the school year)

I love the heat. I love sandals.  I hate socks.

I love swimming. I hate swimsuits (yeah, this causes some problems….)

And in response to the call for posts from Mama Kat, I have created my Top Ten list of Summer Don’ts.  Here goes.

10 )  Don’t bitch about how how it is. Yep, it’s hot. Get over it. You just spent the last 4 months complaining about how cold this Canadian winter is, then how wet this Canadian spring is, and now you’re going to bitch about heat?  Shhudddup.

9 ) Stemming from #10 – don’t don’t DON’T leave your pet in the car.  I will break your window and I will call the humane society and have you spayed or neutered.  It’s frackin hot. Leave your pet at home or take it out with you.

8 ) Don’t take the kids to the beach on the weekend. It’s just going to cause a huge argument with your spouse/significant other, and you’re going to end up wanting to punch someone in the face. But I wouldn’t recommend that you do that. No. Definitely not.

7 ) Tans are great. What you don’t want is this:

It just ain’t pretty.  Not to mention the leather look and feel isn’t conducive to sexiness….  just sayin’

6 ) Don’t wear socks with your sandals.  Even if it’s “chilly”.  Even if you have ugly feet.  Guys, I’m mostly talking to you, because you seem to be the major culprits.  There is no excuse for this.

5 ) Don’t cut your lawn early in the morning.  It pisses your neighbour(s) off. Seriously.  Lawn mowing before 7:30am (especially in the suburbs and especially on the weekends) has now been banned.  All pre-7:30am lawn mowers will be executed.  Kidding.  Not really.

4 ) Don’t pack up your family and travel to the Island to see the Windmills.  They look awesome from town and you’re taking up space on the ferry for actual Islanders.  Ramification of this are covered in #5.  Seriously.

3 ) Are you a professional athlete?  No?  Please don’t do spandex.  That is all.

2 ) Don’t forget to treat yourself to a pedicure…. because of COURSE you deserve it 🙂

1 )  Don’t make assumptions.   For example: Puh-lease don’t assume that you can/should wear short shorts.  You shouldn’t.  It’s official.
Also?
I just ate and your outfit is disrupting my digestive process.

************************

Mama’s Losin’ It